Caring for the Caregiver
Mental illness affects the family. Frequently, they are the over-looked ones, but they need attention as well.
Jim trudged through the swamp of severe depression for too long, until he decided it was no longer worth the effort. His wife lay fast asleep beside him. He gently shook her shoulder and spoke in a low, sad voice, “Tell everyone I love them.”
Her eyes opened and she raised up on one elbow. “What are you talking about?”
“I took a bottle of pills,” he responded.
Left alone with his thoughts, he decided it would be better for everyone if he weren’t alive. The darkness was too dark; there was no light at the end; and all hope was gone. So he got up, went to the medicine cabinet, took out a bottle of pills, and ingested every one. After staring at himself in the mirror for sometime, he lay down again beside his wife and woke her for one last message.
The rest of the night was a blur—speeding through stop lights, ER, doctors, a gurney, and a stomach pump. After several hours of waiting, signing papers and making promises neither can remember, they headed for home. The only sound on the drive back was the quiet hum of the car engine. A single thought blared loudly through his wife’s mind: “What do we do now?
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Let’s be clear: mental illness is a family illness.
It affects the one struggling and it affects everyone else in the home. The person directly suffering with mental illness is often our focus, while everyone else becomes secondary. They become a source for updates, direct contacts with doctors, rides to appointments, and oftentimes chaos managers. In addition to these new roles, they never stop being wives, husbands, daughters or sons, providers, and coworkers. Needless to say, they carry an enormous burden. Each of the stories you’ll read in these two posts are true and come directly from them. They invite you into the experience of those closest to ones suffering with severe mental illnesses. Oftentimes they’re called caregivers, but for some reason that doesn’t capture their experience. We cannot forget or overlook them. They are important, valid, and necessary as individuals and as caregivers. They too need care, love, affirmation, and support. This post and the next one provide some ways to care for them.
To start,
Pay attention to their needs and offer to help. Don’t wait for them to ask because they may never. There is an unfortunate stigma attached to mental illness which prevents many people from asking for help. Maybe they don’t want you to think of their family member as crazy or know their family is struggling. As a result, they might suffer in silence for a very long time, white-knuckling it just to get by—while they themselves are on the verge of a breaking point. By taking the initiative to do something for them, you’re communicating: “I see and hear you. I know you’re hurting and I want to help.”
Create space for them to be by themselves. Give the caregiver a time out from the stress. Currently, this is the biggest need—time for themselves away from the family member. It doesn’t mean they don’t love them or they wished they were someone else. It only means they’re human. They need a break or they will break. Jesus told his disciples, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest” (Mk.6:31). They want a little space–some breathing room–between them and the crisis. We can provide this when we step in and offer to care for the person they’re caring for. Take person struggling with mental illness out for the day or even let them spend the night at your house.
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Awakened in the middle of the night, Deshaun immediately noticed the empty bed beside him where he expected his wife to be. The covers were rolled back and a light was coming from the bathroom. He rubbed his eyes and made his way toward the light. His wife was smiling at him from the bathtub, full of water with a ring of lit candles all around. Under normal circumstances this might not seem extraordinary, but when he looked at the clock it read 2:00am. “Hey there,” was her only response as she laughed and smiled like a little kid.
Her eyes were wide open. Clearly she had never gone to sleep. She’d only slept a couple of hours in the past few days. Most of his time was spent following her around to ensure she was safe. His exhaustion was always matched by her boundless energy. Now, a flood of concerns rushed into mind: How long had she been there? Where did she get these candles? How long had she had the lighter? She could have set the bath curtains on fire.
He couldn’t go back to sleep because she couldn’t be left alone. He looked at the clock again. In a few hours the alarm would buzz to wake him up for work. Stress began to tighten it’s tentacles around his brain. He would have to call in sick–again–to care for his wife. He dreaded that call. What was he going to say? “I can’t come to work today because my wife is manic?” That wouldn’t go over well.
In the hallway he heard his six-year old ask, “Daddy, is Mommy okay?"
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Some things Deshaun and others in his place would appreciate are people who would:
Offer to care for their kids. How can you manage a crisis situation and children at the same time? It’s a brutal, gut-wrenching task. On the one hand, you want to protect your children from seeing mom or dad in a bad place. You want to protect your spouse’s “reputation”–for lack of a better word. You want your kids to see him or her in a good light, not at their worst moment. On the other, you want to reassure them that everything will be okay. But you know that both desires are unrealistic. Children are preceptive regardless of age. They know when something isn’t right no matter how good you are at projecting smoke and mirrors. Watching a mom, dad, brother or sister struggle with mental illness can be an incredible amount of stress for young minds to process. It will certainly create a traumatic home life. Take the kids out for a while; give them a break from what’s happening at home.
Ask them how they are doing. Usually, we ask about how the family member is doing, without even thinking about the one caring for them. Believe me: most people won’t ask how you’re doing when someone else in in crisis. Recognize them and check in regularly. Help them stay afloat during the storm. And when they become negative or resentful–don’t judge them. At some point, the caregiver will express feelings of resentment and guilt towards their family member. You’re job is not to judge but rather to be present for them.
Or better yet, give them a break by taking them out. Ask them out for coffee and make it a time especially to focus on them. Ask another friend to care for the family member, so you can take the caregiver out for an afternoon. They need rest, a break, a time out. They desperately need to step aside for a moment before resuming their normal role.
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“My mind felt like it was in a vice grip. Each day I felt it growing tighter. How much more could I take? It didn’t seem to matter because the load kept increasing. Hospital, bills, relationships, kids, work. So many things that I had to figure out each day. So much on my plate. And no one ever asked, ‘How are you?’ It was always, ‘How is he doing? Is he doing better?’ No one seem to care that I was at my breaking point. No one took time to check in on me. The thing I wanted to most was for someone to ask, ‘How are you?’ But no one ever did.”
–Alicia
