It felt like I was living inside a tornado. Constantly something whirling around in my mind. Everything—everything—was unsettled. Nothing was certain anymore. What did the future look like. What would tomorrow or even tonight be like? Our marriage, family, work —everything had been uprooted and was now swirling around us, nothing attached to the ground anymore.
–Marcus
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This is the second post on caring for mental health caregivers. In the first one, I offered five ways to help. Now let’s look at more. In the story above, Marcus’s world is upside down. He doesn’t know what to expect next. This is common among people caring for someone with severe mental illness. Something helpful to him right now would be to:
Take on one of their normal responsibilities. Put yourself in their shoes for a minute. Their world has been turned on its head. Someone they loved dearly is suffering from severe mental illness, which means their thoughts, behaviors, and moods have dramatically changed. Doctors, medicine, safety, even hospitalizations have taken center stage. Everything has changed, and yet, life expectations continue to pile up. They still have to show up for work, pay bills, buy groceries, and take kids to school. If you want to provide meaningful help in this season of life, take on one of these burdens for them. Order pizza one night, organize meals for the family, pay one month of heating or internet bills. Think through normal day-in/day-out responsibilities and pick up one for them.
Give them permission to call at any hour when they need you: to talk, cry, get something off their chest, vent, ask questions they never imagined before. A big problem right now is they lack emotional space. Our minds are designed to carry around only so much before they begin to burst at the seams. Caregivers are really good at stuffing their own emotions inside in order to care for their loved one. This becomes a problem because emotions refuse to be stuffed; they’ll find a way out one way or another. And when they do come out, it’s usually not in the way we expected: an outburst of anger at someone, uncontrollably crying while pumping gas, punching a hole in drywall when you drop a plate.
Stuffing emotions are like trying to keep a ball under water. You’ve probably played the game in a pool where you try to keep a basketball under the water. You can do it, but it takes a little effort. The problem is that you can’t do it indefinitely. The ball isn’t going anywhere and the air still forces it to the surface. When you’re not expecting it, WHOOSH!. It shoots out from under an arm in dramatic fashion. That’s a picture of tough emotions caregivers are experiencing. Give them space to let those out. They need to know they’re not in this alone. When the rubber meets the road in the middle of the night and things get hairy, they need to know that they have someone else to lean on.
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The phone thumped relentlessly on Christy’s nightstand at 3:17 am. Only half-awake, she reached in the general direction, knocking it to the floor. It went silent, but then a single buzz vibrated to tell her a voicemail awaited. Christy pressed her ear to the phone and listened.
“This is the police department. We have your son in custody. We picked him up because he was walking downtown in shorts and a t-shirt in 10-degree weather. He was very delusional and we have taken him to the hospital’s psychiatric ward. He’s requesting to see you. Ma’am, you able to visit with him at this time? Please call us back.”
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Verbally acknowledge their hard work to hold things together. Thank them for standing beside the family member. Let them know you see what they are doing and are thankful for them. It doesn’t take much effort on your part, but hearing those words communicates worth to the caregiver. Your voice is a reminder that they matter. It tells them you see everything they are doing under incredible pressure. Send them a card, text, or call them just to say thank you.
Gather some common friends and take them out to a movie or game or anything that will allow them to escape the pain and stress of their life right now. This goes back to the idea of helping them catch their breath. In order for this to truly happen they need to put temporary distance between themselves and crisis. Help them get lost in something else for a little while. It will ease their mind just a bit. An old fable tells us, “If you keep a bow always bent, it will break eventually; but if you let it go slack, it will be more fit for use when you want it.” Caregivers of people with severe mental illness tend to always be on alert; always watching, waiting for the next crisis. This alertness creates constant mental and physical tension. Help them unstring their bow for a few moments.
Be mindful of their kids. I’ve mentioned children throughout these posts, but they deserve a closer look. If there are children in the same home as someone struggling with severe mental illness, everyone will want to protect them. This is absolutely the right thing to do. Offer to stay with them during appointments and hospital visits. Let them spend the night at your house. Take them out to eat or to a movie.
But children at any age are very perceptive. They’re in tune with moods and behaviors. They read the room better than most adults. Inevitably they’ll ask, “What’s wrong with Dad or Mom?” “Where is my brother? Why hasn’t he been home this week?” Don’t lie. Don’t make up something just to make them feel better. Instead, talk with their parent (the caregiver) about how you’re going to answer. Be on the same page as the one who is closest to them. You don’t have to give them all the details, but they should hear something like, “Dad isn’t feeling well right now, so he’s going to be in the hospital for a few days. The doctors will help him feel better so he can get back home soon.”
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychology (AACAP) has a short, helpful article regarding how to talk to kids about mental illness in their family. Some of the advice they offer includes: “communicate in a straightforward manner, communicate at a level that is appropriate to a child’s age and development level, have the discussion when the child feels safe and comfortable, watch their child’s reaction during the discussion and slow down or back up if the child becomes confused or looks upset.”
The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) also has a great article written by a mother struggling with mental illness. Another good resource can be found in this article published on the Michigan State University site. There are other resources out there as well, but the point is don’t get caught off guard by children’s observations and questions. You cannot hide mental illness from them, so its best to know how to talk about it in a healthy way.
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Joey picked up the phone as it rang. He said “hello,” but he knew who it was.
“There are scorpions in my room. One crawled out of the ceiling and fell onto my bed. They’re everywhere and no one believes me. I think they put me in the scorpion room to kill me because I won’t take their medicine. I know the government is watching me. I see their cameras. They watch me through the television too. Get me out of here!”
“Susan, they’re not trying to kill you. The hospital is going to help you get better.”
“I am better! They want to kill me. They are trying to poison me. Why won’t you get me out of here? You want me dead too, don’t you? I can’t trust anybody.”
“Susan—” click. The phone went dead.
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These posts were intended to get you thinking about the person (or people) behind the scenes. At least 8.4 million people provide care for someone struggling with mental illness. It’s been estimated that these caregivers spend an average of 32 hours each week providing unpaid care. A detailed study has revealed they “are especially vulnerable, as they face complex, high burden care situations, resulting in higher stress and strain. [The study] found that mental health caregivers are more likely to face emotional stress and physical strain. They are less likely to feel they had a choice in taking on care.” They shouldn’t feel isolated in this season of life. While they must shoulder the bulk of the care, they don’t have to do it alone. We can be those friends and family who “carry each other’s burdens” (Gal. 6:2).
